the Official CHR joke page duel - Page 113

RestoRod · #**1681** 10-26-2009, 04:58 AM

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan Kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes...

Little Tyrone stood up and said:

" Up against the wall, mother f**ker!"

I'm guessing there are not too many farms in Detroit ?!!!

RestoRod · #**1682** 10-27-2009, 01:19 PM

RestoRod · #**1683** 10-29-2009, 08:15 PM

A man owned a small farm in Southern Saskatchewan .

The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.

There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

Itoldyouso · #**1684** 11-03-2009, 07:05 AM

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. < br>
When she opens the door, there stands David, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, David says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of David.. After a few seconds, David hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'

'It was David, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

39 PONTIAC · #**1685** 11-03-2009, 05:05 PM

Today a guy at work was telling me about a lady that had the largest baby ever born... It weighed in at 36 lbs.

Im sure it was not a natural child birth and of course the baby had a few problems. In fact it's testicles weighed 8 lbs each.

They ended up putting it in an insane asylum because it was half nuts.

IC2 · #**1686** 11-10-2009, 11:12 AM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she said, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!''

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss, and before she could say 'sh!t', the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

RestoRod · #**1687** 11-10-2009, 06:47 PM

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
He was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:

BISHOPSCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
He decided to give it to a Nun
in a nearby convent.

The next day the paper read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.
He ordered the nun to sell the donkey.
Next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild

The next day the headlines read:

NUN'S ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

CR55 · #**1688** 11-11-2009, 08:15 AM

An old farmer is sitting on his porch when a young kid walks by with a big length of chicken wire under his arm.

The farmer asks, "Where you goin and whats that under your arm boy?"

The boy says, "this here's chicken wire and I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"

The farmer laughs and says, "you can't catch chickens with chicken wire you fool!"

The boy keeps walking. When he returns about an hour later he has a bunch of chickens under each arm.

The old farmer says, "well I'll be damned!"

The next day the kid comes walking by and the farmer asks him where he's going and what he has in his hand.

The kid replies, "this heres duck tape and I'm gonna catch me some ducks!"

The old farmer starts laughing and says, "you can't catch ducks with duck tape."

The kid says, "sure I can" and keeps walking. He comes back about an hour later and he's got ducks under each arm.

The old farmer doesn't know what to say.

The following day the kid comes by again.

The farmer says, what do ya have in your hand today?

The kid says, "this heres pussy willow".

The farmer says, "Hold on I'll get my Hat!"

Larry M · #**1689** 11-16-2009, 08:03 PM

Ever wonder HOW Pumkin Pie is made..............

glennsexton · #**1690** 11-17-2009, 05:51 PM

Washington, D.C., an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die,” whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.”

Larry M · #**1691** 11-18-2009, 08:26 AM

What pumpkins don't want you to see!!

Larry M · #**1692** 11-18-2009, 08:29 AM

Proof of global warming.......

RestoRod · #**1693** 11-18-2009, 06:05 PM

An sixtyish man had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic
table, a nice deck, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the gentleman decided to go to his pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over..

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

RestoRod · #**1694** 11-18-2009, 06:19 PM

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.
And thanks for the memories

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.

ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill'.
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact … I don't feel anything until noon. Then … it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN…
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter … on a technicality.'

Give me a sense of humor Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life.

glennsexton · #**1695** 11-19-2009, 09:34 AM

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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